(Just Another Night at) The Eagle

If you think Hollywood doesn't make big budget gay romances, you didn't subject yourself to the third-rate Gladiator knockoff The Eagle, out this week on DVD. Give or take, it's about two pretty dancers in 140 A.D. (the stars of Step Up and Billy Elliot) both of whom are into leather (thus the title) and fight about who's going to be whose slave. In the first half, the buffer, more built 30 year-old muscle stud Marcus rescues the skinnier, cuter 24 year-old Esca from a brutal top in a helmet mask and makes him his slave. Fine. Lucky them. But -- and this is always a mistake -- they decide to go to Scotland a Burning Man Festival except they don't have a car or a place to stay and it rains a lot and everybody's high and howling and covered with mud or blue paint and mohawks or really dirty long hair and the bonfire isn't that much fun and the food is bloody awful, so nerves are frayed, right? When they could have gone to Rome? Well, Esca's not having it. He totally flips and is all NO, you're MY slave now! So hot, hot Marcus gets tied up and led around on a leash by a twink. Fine. Lucky them again. Then it's sort of confusing, because you don't think of Burning Man as having gift bags or raffle prizes, but suddenly everybody's chasing after some gold accessory in the shape of a bird and instead of just going on eBay and buying one, they call all their old tricks and band together to fight these gnarly dudes and, surprise, the more attractive people win. Triumphant, the happy couple goes back home only to face their biggest challenge of all: prejudice! And even though it violates his traditional values that every couple should be a strict top and bottom, Marcus's commander can see how much the boys love each other and he gives them his blessing to live not as an old school master and slave but as a modern, versatile couple. The boys walk away, down an aisle together, planning their next vacation and grinning into their sunny future. The End. The plot never bothers with the pretense of a girlfriend or wife for either of them. In fact, the entire movie is devoid of women except for a few lady druids left over from a Qkumba Zoo video. [Junior's remix.] Much more startling, The Eagle was somehow scripted and directed by the Oscar-winning team who made The Last King of Scotland. Check the trailer.