Saved by far the best video for last.
Dear Svetlana Loboda,
Thank you for inviting me to be your valentine. Before deciding about your kind offer, I have a few questions. Is the Speedo-clad hand drummer part of your valentine package? In America, we have a tradition of giving something called a Whitman Sampler. Named for our greatest poet, who had insatiable appetites, this is a way for the non-committal man to try out many, many different tastes guilt-free and without ever having to choose a favorite. (Whitman used the word "comrades" which may be a fraught term for Ukrainians. What do you use with your half-clad back-up singers?) Obviously you're way ahead of me on this, as your video shows you dipping your entire body in chocolate.
Upon further reflection, I see that only yesterday a Ukrainian court banned this weekend's pride festival. Amnesty reports the same thing happened in Latvia, where Riga canceled Baltic Pride. On top of Moscow's horrendous record, this is triply upsetting. Please use your appearance at this weekend's Eurovision Song Contest to show your support for the region's awesomely brave lgbt community.
I regret that I cannot be your valentine. Besides, I would rather dance with my boyfriend.